It's raining men...not

I've been looking at profiles. You know, on the dating sites I've joined and, bloody hell, there are some buses out there.

Definite no-no's:
a comb-over (cut it short, shave your head, have some dignity)
a beer belly ('yes' to honesty but 'no' to ill-fitting clothes)
black and white photos (just how old is that picture?)
extreme close-ups (why won't you show me your ears?)
fuzzy full-length shots (your face can't be any worse than mine, can it?)
coy over-the-shoulder or upward looking glances (what are you hiding?)
smiling with your mouth closed (it doesn't look natural, see a dentist if your teeth are that bad)
pulling a funny face (it doesn't say you have a GSOH, it says you're a berk)
phantom limbs from people cropped out of the photo (are you so sad that you can't take your own photo? or so alone you don't have a friend to do it for you?)
your passport photo (no-one looks good in a passport photo and it makes you look cheap)

And here are some of my personal preferences
short hair (few are the men who have long flowing locks past the age of 21; a stringy ponytail just looks rank)
neatly groomed face fungus (I didn't use to like beard and mustaches until I met a certain Mr Jam - keep them trimmed and clean)
short, clean fingernails (talons are for women only, I don't care how sexist that seems)
ditto toenails (short and filed, I hate being scratched by toenails)
extremely high standards of personal hygiene (you'll only be sweaty after I've finished with you)
good teeth (spend that beer money on seeing a dentist)

Notice I don't say anything about height, weight, eye and hair colour, age or personal circumstances (but don't bother me if you're married - been there, have no desire to revisit). Obviously I have preferences in these areas but, as with Mr Jam, these preferences can change for the right person.

So if you happen to be reading this and know of someone who fits the bill, let me know.

(Next week, I'll be parading up and down the high street with a placard!).