Doctor, Doctor, tell me the news...

On a more positive note, I have managed to see a doctor. Initially, it was an odd situation as he has two surgeries a day. In the morning, it's turn up and wait and in the evening, it's phone for an appointment.

I went along in the morning, found the waiting room and my good did it stink! The place was heaving (it serves two doctors) and the smell was so bad I had to leave, also the queuing system is informal – you just have to know who you came in after. However, I knew I couldn't phone for an appointment and, although Cz had offered to do it (and come with me), I wanted to do this on my own so I went back about an hour later and, luckily, there were only two people in the room. The doctor was very nice although he took my blood pressure both sitting down and standing up (me that is).

I have to go back in a week – let's hope I'm as lucky with the queue a second time.

Not driving but...

And here's another thing. You know I've been having driving practice? Well I made it clear at the beginning that I didn't need to learn how to drive, I even showed them my full UK driving licence. What I wanted was a chance to aclimatised to driving on the other side of the road and driving on the motorway here.

And I made this very clear to them at the beginning, before my first practice, after my second practice and after my third practice. So when I turned up on Wednesday morning I thought everything was clear. But, because of the way Italy has been mucking me about recently, I thought I'd double check and, guess what, no we weren't going on the motorway today because “The school isn't authorised to go on the motorway”. Now I know that learner drivers can't drive on motorways and that cars with learner signs shouldn't be on the motorway – it might even be forbidden - BUT, I am a qualified driver and the signs on the car are magnetic and could have been taken off when we swap drivers. So I got the “Shrug, what can be done, Shrug” again. And I said “Thank you for wasting my time” and left.

Working down a coal mine...

Another thing that is frustrating me is trying to sort out the best/most economical way to be employed here. The main problem is that the tax and national insurance burden on employers is so heavy that schools will do anything to avoid issuing a contract of employment. There are four main ways to be employed:
on a regular contract as an employee – next to impossible to obtain because as well as paying your salary, the employer has to make substantial contributions to the social security system (INPS) on your behalf, provide sickness and holiday pay, and pay two extra (half-)month bonuses (one in the summer and one at Christmas);
on a project contract – for a fixed length of time or fixed number of hours at a fixed salary over a longer period but not exceeding 183 days a year (eg a long term temporary contract). If you do work for more than 183 days (and it's not clear whether it's actual working days or days living in Italy) then you automatically become resident for tax purposes in Italy. The employer deducts 20% of the gross as pre-payment of tax and you have to make a tax return at the end of the year (if you earn less than 30,000 euros a year) or every quarter (if you earn more) which in turn means employing an accountant. Provided you don't earn more than 5,000 euros you don't have to pay INPS but once over that amount you have to be registered. Employers like these contracts because they can write almost anything they want to into such a contract – so employee beware!;
on an occasional contract – for a fixed number of hours or one specific project only but not for regular ongoing work (ie. short-term temporary work). These contracts can only be used three times a year and for total payment not exceeding 5,000 euros. Again 20% is deducted as tax.
as an independent contractor – for this to happen you have to open a Partita IVA which is the equivalent of registering for VAT. Sounds good but here's the rub. In your first year you not only have to pay 30% of your gross income as tax but also 28% of your net income as INPS. You can deduct expenses against tax (not that there are many of these as a teacher) but effectively it means in your first year you hand over 50% of your income to the government – and, unless you are in your twenties, you will never see any benefit from your payment into the social security system (in fact most Italians believe that they will not receive a state pension worth more than peanuts even though they have paid into the system all their lives).
The other way is to use your British national insurance number and sign a declaration that you will declare all your income in the UK and pay tax on them there. This is not illegal but neither is it in the spirit of the law and again it is limited to 183 days a year.
A complication in all this is that the Italian tax year runs from January to December whereas the British tax year runs from April to March.

And if you think I'm being unduly negative, read the comments from Mr Jam. He knows what he's talking about.

Why do fools...

I am rapidly falling out of love with Italy.

When I first moved back here I was excited about building a life. After all, I reasoned, although I don't speak much Italian, I have lived in several countries and Italy was, by far, my favourite. In addition, I have friends here and, with my qualifications and experience, it wouldn't be difficult to find work. These things remain true. I have found work relatively easily, I do have friends here (and I've made more) but, and it's a big but, I am becoming increasingly frustrated at the Italian attitude to business.

To be more specific, I'm sick of being on the receiving end of the 'shrug, what can been done? Shrug'. An example of this is my trying to get an internet connection. You may have heard of internet keys. In essence these are SIM cards which you plug into a USB port on your computer and use to connect to the internet (much as you would make a mobile phone call). I bought one of these. The package, with AliceMobile, was 20 euros for 100 hours of internet access every thirty days. After 100 hours, you can top up at 2 euros an hour. Of course, what they didn't tell me (although I'm sure it's written somewhere in the small print – that they knew I couldn't read) was that every connection incurred a minimum deduction of fifteen minutes and, of course, where I live the connection is so piss poor that it isn't unusual for the connection to be lost after one or two minutes. The upshot of this is that although I have only been connected to the internet for 66 hours over the last eighteen days, I have have 100 hours deducted because of the incessant disconnection by the server.

Of course when I complained I got the 'Shrug, what can be done? Shrug' response. I ended up signing up for a different plan, one that doesn't measure the time online but allows you to download up to 1Gb every thirty days. Of course, I had to pay for this plan to be 'activated' and I won't actually be able to use it until tomorrow (this is being written offline). What they couldn't explain was whether the automatic opening of the AliceMobile website (which has to happen otherwise I can't access the internet) is part of that download. I don't know quite what constitutes 'download' , how much of it would be used by the automatic opening of the AliceMobile website or if it's only when you use a download program (although I doubt it). The downside for me is that I've downloaded more than 1Gb over the past 18 days, generally when trying to download podcasts which failed, so I've no idea how many days each month I'll be able to use it.

And the post office – my god, the post office. I wanted to post a letter, actually an invoice for payment so I went along to the post office. There were so many people there that the queue snaked back and forth three times in a post office not much bigger than my parents front room. So many people that no-one else could actually get in the door (and I don't think anyone could get out either).

There are other things that annoy me, mainly to do with the people I'm working for, trying to maintain a professional demeanor and getting others to respect boundaries. I'm working on those but I cannot guarantee that I'll win, and, if not, I won't remain in Italy.

Take a jump to the left....

Ahh, that's better. Several (more than several) hours of sleep, a shower and a walk and I feel soooo much better.

Why? I hear you asking, Why were you so tired? Too tired, in fact, to tell us about it?

Well, my lovelies, on Friday night I did one of my all time favourite things (no, not that! unfortunately). On Friday night I went to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Now I am a bit of a fan, not a fanatic - I don't dress up or wear make-up, but I do know the words to the songs and how to do the timewarp and most of the shoutbacks to the dialogue. So, as I said, I'm a bit of a fan.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into Milan to have coffee with Ch and during the walk after we came across the cinema showing the film. It turned out that Ch was a Rocky virgin so we booked immediately. I had to change one of my classes but, as I haven't done that before, I didn't feel particularly guilty about it. I warned her it might be a bit weird, what with it having men dressed in stocking and suspenders and being a musical, but she was game. We were told the film started at 10pm and to be there at 9:30pm.

Of course, it had to be snowing when I arrived in Milan but luckily it stopped during the fifteen minute walk to the cinema. Unfortunately the freezing temperatures in no way induced the cinema to open it's doors early so I had to hang around for a good twenty minutes in the cold wondering if this was a good idea. There were other people around, and it was a mixed crowd but no-one seemed particularly dressed up, unlike showings I've been to elsewhere - but then, this is the middle of winter in Italy! Ch arrived at 9:30pm and the doors opened BUT only selected people were being allowed in (god only knows why), still Ch reminded them we had booked and we were in!

The cinema itself is a long thin room with hardly any rake (slope towards the screen) and we were a far way back - this turned out to be good. We got a drink, found our seats, bought our participation bags (rice, confetti, surgical masks, newspaper, latex glove, rattle and playing card) and had a good look around us. Suddenly there were lots of people dressed as characters from the film and I felt a warm glow of antici.........pation.

10pm came and went, there was terrible singing via the PA system, the screen showed stills from the film so I was able to name the characters for Ch as well as teach her the timewarp (sitting down) and warn her I would be singing throughout. Finally, at about 10:30 someone goes on stage and starts some sort of compere thing, pulling Rocky virgins on-stage to have fun with and at them. This went on a little too long for me, not only because it was in Italian (naturally) but because I don't like that sort of thing anyway. Finally it finished and I thought we were going to get down to the film, but Oh no, instead we had the 20th Century Fox intro and music (about six times) before going into some shortened songs sung by animal characters (possibly from Madagasca?).

Finally, at about 11pm the film started. And it was good. The people who were dressed up made sure everyone participated (spraying water over everyone during the rain scene, shouting out the shoutbacks, etc.) and getting everyone up to do the timewarp.

Now here's what was new to me. They had live 'actors' who acted out the scenes along with the film in front of the film. I've heard of this but I hadn't ever seen it before - and I have to say I don't really approve. They were dedicated and some of them were good but I felt it detracted from the film itself. I guess it's the same argument about films made from books, if you read the book first generally the film isn't as good but if you read the book after seeing the film, you generally prefer the film.

Then, just as things were swinging along nicely, they had an interval! So people could smoke supposedly. I have to say, it completely ruined the atmosphere. When the film started again (just ten minutes later) the energy had disappeared. The 'actors' and participation-ists worked just as hard but the heart had gone out of the audience.

The film actually finished at 12:45 and people were more than happy to be leaving especially as most public transport shuts down at 11:30pm. I had expected the film to end at about 11:30 and both Ch and I were worried about getting back to hers which is the other side of the city. Luckily the circular bus was still running and that combined with a twenty minute walk got us in at 1:45. I was up again at 7am and home by 9:30am to teach at 10:30am.

So that's why I was so tired. Now I know what's it like there, I might be tempted to go again but only if I know I don't have to get up the next morning!

BTW Ch said she enjoyed it, and she remembered the tag-line "Give yourself over to absolute pleasure"

Sleepyhead...

I am so tired. I had a late night last night but I'm too tired to tell you about it.

More tomorrow.

And on your left...

...and another thing, since when does anyone use indicators when doing a three-point turn?!?! It just doesn't make sense. I mean, it's not like you're turning left then right then left again. You're actually going back and forth across the bloody road - anyone who can't see what's happening should be shot (mind you that doesn't stop Italian drivers from trying to drive past while you're mid-three-point-turning).

Who's going to drive you home...

I had my first driving practice today, not a lesson as such as I already know how to drive, but practice in driving on the WRONG side of the road (I don't care what anyone says, just because the majority of the world drives on the right, doesn't make it correct!). It was good, I am a good driver and this was about getting used to things being backwards eg going anti-clockwise around roundabouts, remembering the slow lane is the one on the right, etc. etc.

However, I have discovered why Italians are such terrible drivers. All the things we're taught in the UK to keep us safe (whether we follow them or not) such as not crossing your hands on the steering wheel, using the handbrake when the car is stopped at traffic lights and not turning your wheels while you're waiting to cross a line of traffic - these are actively encouraged here!

My instructor was amazed when I did the hand to hand shuffle when turning a corner (yes, I know most of you don't bother but, as I said, I'm a good driver) and told me to cross my hands. When I tried to put on the handbrake while waiting at a particularly complicated set of traffic lights, he told me not too and that, in Italy, the handbrake is only used when you stop on a hill. This means you can be sitting at a set of traffic lights (as I was) for five minutes with your foot on the brake and clutch, hoping to god nothing slips. And while I was waiting to turn left (across the stream of traffic) he actually turned my steering wheel so that if anyone had hit me from behind, we'd have been shunted into the oncoming traffic. It's madness I tell you.

Still I'm going back for a couple more, then I'll want a special 'driving on the motorway' lesson. After that, I think I'll be set. Watch out Italy, here I come.

The list diminishes...

The day after I moved into the house I started a to-do list (and a to-buy list but that's a different matter). I have been slowly but steadily working down that list and I've almost done everything on it. It is a wonderful feeling to cross things off.

So here's a quick run through of what I've been up to. I've opened a bank account, bought a washing machine (and already started working it to death - I will get my money's worth!), put in new kitchen lights (finding the particular bulbs has been a pain the in the proverbial which is probably why they weren't replaced before), got onto the internet (I'm using a key and I'm not 100% convinced that it's a good thing, I may yet get broadband), put my jewellery out on display so that I can start wearing it again and put my Chinese calendar up. All fairly small things but each contributes to a feeling of satifaction. There is one more thing...



I have been sooo brave! I've actually booked a practice driving session with a local driving school. Now I can legally drive here using my British licence but they do drive on the wrong side of the road (when they aren't driving down the middle) and everything (except the pedals, I hope) is on the other side in the car. I'm starting with one lesson and we'll see how that goes but I suspect I'll need more than one, not because I'm a bad driver - I AM NOT - but to build my confidence.

Spinning madly...

I am very happy at the moment.

I have started teaching again (always an enjoyable experience for me), I have managed to print off several of my photos and I've hung them on the walls - now all I need to do is get frames and actually arrange them! - and my washing machine arrived today.

Oh the joy of having my own washing machine. I had a week's worth of washing from before Christmas and then another week's worth since I've been back, in fact, I was down to my last pair of knickers. Cz allowed me to use her machine as I haven't been able to find a laundrette here. I'm sure there is one and I'm sure I've walked past it but in all my roaming last week I could not find it again. However, that is all in the past. Not only did I do two loads at Cz's but I've done another five loads here today (I told you it had piled up).

The house is finally coming together as I buy bits and pieces for it but, to be honest, apart from the washing machine, there's nothing I would regret leaving at short notice.

The reason I say this is that I'm getting mixed messages from the company I work for in Milan. They want me to work but they keep giving me incomplete and contradictory information about the contract (or lack of one) that I'll be employed under. I will have to go and see a tax accountant to get some impartial advice. If this goes on much longer, I could end up saying 'forget it' to them and going to another company who'll employ me on a casual (but legal) basis.

All good fun really.

Here we go again...

Hello my lovelies and a very Happy New Year to you all. I know we're well into January but better late than never I say.

My news:

Well, I've moved back to Italy. I'm now living in a small city called Vigevano which is about 30km south of Milan. I have a house of my own (rented not owned) but with loads of space. So much so that I use the ground floor as the teaching space and live on the first floor. This means I no longer have to trudge around Vigevano going from house to house and teaching in people's homes, now they come to me. Yea me! More time to myself, all my resources in one place and a teaching space I can customise to mine and my students' needs.

I will also be working in Milan although that doesn't seem likely to start until the end of January. If it was like the pre-Christmas contract, it will be fun and highly satisfying.

Health-wise, I've had a warning from the doctor about my high blood pressure and I'm on medication for it. The drug is working but it knocked me sideways at the beginning. I have to lose weight which means eating less and moving around more (neither of which are my favourites). However, I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life so I get I'll have to get things going.

In view of that, the 90 minute walk I did this morning should have helped. It was only supposed to be a short walk (from the shopping centre home) but, somehow, I managed to turn the wrong way when I left the shopping centre and walked for twenty minutes (but into the most beautiful countryside) before realising I was going the wrong way. So, a twenty minute walk back to the shopping centre - I told you I went in the wrong direction - and then the short walk home (which actually took 50 minutes, mainly because I had to walk on the roads as the pavements are still covered in snow).

I was helped in this by the shopping trolley I bought. Yes, I have joined the ranks of the old ladies with the pull-along shopping trolleys. Mine is big and orange, and today I filled it to capacity with stuff for the house (kitchen stuff mainly). What fun!

I've opened a bank account, got connected up to the internet using one of those mobile keys (it's a bit dodgy but it's better than nothing), started making inquiries for a doctor who speaks English and had my first dinner guest. Ch came for dinner on Saturday and we had risotto followed by the most gorgeous salmon steak (I knew it was fresh as I'd seen it cut off the fish) both accompanied by a bottle of wine and lots of life-changing conversation.

Right that's about enough to keep you all going for a while.