On Sleeping with Strangers

As part of my "stretch the money as far as possible" campaign I've been sleeping with strangers. Stop panicking mum, I haven't turned to prostitution, just sharing a bedroom. The cheapest places to stay are in hostel dormitories ranging from two to twelve beds. The largest I've had to deal with on this trip has been a seven-bed all female dorm. I prefer all female dorms not because I'm shy but because men tend to drink more and, as a consequence, fart more - men smell!

Anyway, here's a round up of the common stereotypes I've been sharing with:

1) Early to bed, early to rise. This person is in bed by 11pm (I know that's late for some of you but this is South America where the night was made for partying) with all the lights turned off. This person sighs ostentatiously when you enter the room and covers their face with the pillow, sheet or arm (sometimes all three) but never think to buy an eyemask. The same person will be up at 7am, crashing around the room, turning on lights (but only long enough to wake you see what they are doing) before disappearing for the day on some exotic exploration.

2) Party animal. The exact opposite of number one. This person stumbles into the room any time between two and five in the morning, not necessarily drunk but giddy with the excitement of their evening. Unfortunately this same giddiness makes them as blind as a bat and gives them the skin of a rhinocerus, meaning they are impervious to the sighs, dirty looks and shouts of "Turn the f*****g light out". They fall into bed and sleep like a baby (until woken by number one).

3) What do you mean, all this space isn't mine? It is important when moving into a shared room to stake your claim to an area sufficient for your stuff. Generally a locker and bedside table is enough. Not for this one. Is that a spare milimetre of clear floorspace I see before me? Not when she's around. Rooms shared with this person could be used by the SAS as obstacle training courses.

4) Born in a barn, were you? This person does not understand the concept of closing a door behind them. When they stroll in late at night they leave the room door open, allowing the bright light from the hallway to illuminate the otherwise darkened room. When they go to the toilet in the middle of the night they leave the door open and then wonder why everyone has woken up and in the morning they leave the door open while their roommates sleep, exposing all those semi-naked bodies for the world to see. Unfortunately, most of these people seem to be French or Argentine.

5) The snorer. In my experience the snorer is the smallest person in the room. We fat people know we can snore and try not to (not always successfully, I conceed). However, the snorer denies any possibility and none of us are honest enough to raise the subject. In her defense, the female snorer has nothing on the male - you know who you are.

6) The friends. Now get your minds out of the gutter, by friends I mean friends, nothing more (there are private rooms for those who want them). They have shared the day's experiences and planned tomorrow's. Unfortunately, they will continue whispering about the self same experiences/plans long after the lights have been turned off. Nothing is more annoying that not being able to eavesdrop easily.

7. Me. I am working on cultivating all the worst characteristics of the above six in the hope that other people will refuse to share with me and I can have a room to myself without paying extra. Somehow, what with the rapid turnover, I don't think I'll be that successful but watch out when I get back to Europe.